Everyone has experienced some kind of abandonment as a child. Young children are all narcissists, so were we when we were little. We thought the whole world revolved around us. When we had a need and our imperfect parents didn’t get that need met, we automatically perceived it as they don’t love us and we felt abandoned. We might have felt like we don’t deserve to have needs or felt guilty for having needs. When our parents had a tough day at work, and they were tired and maybe just wanted to relax , we might have interpreted it as they didn’t want to play or interact with us and therefore it means they don’t love us anymore. We decided that we are not worthy of their love and attention and developed beliefs and coping mechanisms to deal with the abandonment and to protect ourselves from getting hurt again in the future. All of us have our own unique set of coping mechanisms we learned when we were toddlers. We all learned in some way or another that the world is not a safe place and that we need to behave in a way to protect ourselves from getting hurt. These coping mechanisms served us when we were little, but as adults they hold us back from getting our needs met and thriving in life. Let’s explore some of those coping mechanisms in more detail and take a look at how actively practicing vulnerability can set us free. 

• Withholding information 

When a child is little, does something “wrong” and get scolded or punished for it when telling their parents the truth, the child might decide that it is not safe to tell people the truth because they will get criticized and punished for it. They believe that they are inherently bad, that mistakes are bad and that they are not to be accepted. They might adapt the coping mechanism of lying or being secretive. 

In adulthood this behavior is detrimental to building and maintaining healthy relationships. It is inevitable for us to make mistakes and then instead of telling the truth, we revert back to our coping mechanism and rather tell a lie, or hold back information instead because we believe it is not safe to tell the truth. 

When we adopt the practice of vulnerability as adults, we quickly learn that no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and that is OK because it is part of the human experience. Afterall, people connect with one another through openly reveling mistakes and failures, therefore, being “perfect” is seen as unnatural and fake. Being vulnerable can set us free from this behavior and help us to form strong, intimate relationships with other people based on the truth. 

• People pleasing 

This behavior is learned in childhood when we get our needs met or feel accepted only when… fill in the blank. Only when we behave well, do something for someone, get good grades, we are friendly, don’t express disapproval, we are nice, always fall in line etc. Or it might play out as parents being overly critical and the only way for us to feel safe and not experience their wrath or that look of disappointment or disapproval  on their face, is by pleasing them and  never being a moments trouble. 

We then carry this behavior into adulthood and seek approval from others so that we can feel loved and accepted. The problem with this behavior is that there is always strings attached. We then try to please others by doing something for them, always being there for them, letting people walk all over us, always being friendly and positive, trying to be perfect etc. for them to meet our needs. When they don’t return the favor or get our unexpressed needs met, resentment inevitably builds up and that in turn prove to us that we need to please them even more, and the cycle continues. 

As a recovering nice guy and people pleaser myself, I have learned that this is a loosing strategy that only negatively influence myself and my relationships with others. Actively practicing vulnerability can help us become aware of when we have the impulse to act in a pleasing way and then having the courage to act in an opposite way. 

• Avoiding conflict 

When we were children and we disagreed with someone on something and our opinion was not acknowledged or worse criticized and punished, we learned that it is not safe to express disagreement, anger and frustration. This also applies to when we disagreed with parents on something and they never let us express ourselves or they never let us “win” or find mutual ground. In other words, their way or the highway. Therefore, the only way we found to deal with it and feel safe was to avoid conflict and any situation that might invoke conflict, like the plague.

People have different views and opinions and  therefore conflict is inevitable and a normal, sometimes necessary, part of life. Handling conflict effectively is a vital skill we all must develop in order to nurture and grow relationships and gain the trust of others. Sometimes when someone oversteps a boundary and we feel angry and disrespected, it is necessary to express anger or frustration in a socially acceptable manner. It is therefore vital to learn how to show our teeth without biting and ripping someone else, or a relationship we hold dear, to shreds.  

We can do so by directly, honestly and authentically expressing the anger we feel in a non toxic manner. Practicing vulnerability allows us to do so in a timely fashion. I myself find conflict challenging till today. I learned that when I feel disrespected, angry or frustrated I tend to ignore conflict by not expressing myself in a direct and timely way.  This in turn robs my relationships of growth and builds resentment in me that will eventually explode and that is WAY worse than to experience a little conflict in the moment. Being vulnerable in the moment and expressing my feelings and thoughts helped me in many situations not to let resentment fester in me.

• Blaming and shaming

In childhood we learn through observing others. If our parents go-to method for dealing with conflict and challenges was to always blame others or something outside of their control, then we pick up the belief to not take responsibility for our actions and that there is always someone or something else to blame. 

This plays out in adulthood in a variety of ways. When we find ourselves in a conflict situation we quickly shift the blame even if we were at fault. This is seen when two grownups argue about something and instead of listening, acknowledging and trying to understand the other person’s point of view, we blame them for something they did in the past or we shame them for confronting us or for one of their weaknesses. 

We can change this toxic pattern of behavior by practicing active listening, acknowledging what they are communicating and being vulnerable by taking responsibility if we were at fault. This is no easy task and it takes a lot of awareness on our behalf, but is worth the effort and is essential for growth and letting go of this destructive paradigm.  

• Numbing, over indulgence and addiction

We learn this behavior by observing how our parents and adults in our lives deal with stress, anxiety and uncertainty. When emotions gets too overwhelming, some people go on food binges, start abusing drugs and alcohol in an effort to numb and suppress the emotions lurking in the dark. It is only by shining light on the emotion and facing it head on that we can overcome this behavior. 

Practicing vulnerability is the belief that even in dark times or overwhelming situations, we can handle it and come out on the other side in one piece. Vulnerability is shining a light on the darkness and being open to be hurt, and that is ok and part of life, but to know that we are stronger than the perceived emotion or situation.